Wrestling Matches and Trust Falls.

This week we've been attending a local church's Week of Power series and it has been nothing short of amazing, supernatural, and phenomena. 

On Wednesday night God healed me and my mother-in-law miraculously! We have slept the best we've ever slept in many years - pain free. She was healed from some lasting impacts of an auto injury including arthritis in the neck injury, head trauma, and hearing in her left ear. I was given a new back and my back has never felt more relaxed and I am grateful. 

On Thursday night, God did something else that I was not expecting! Here goes..

As the pastor preaches the sermon he says, "It's good to wrestle with God. Jacob wrestled with God until he touched him! Sometimes he'll even give you a new name!" Wrestling with God because you're desperate for him to do something in your life, maybe touch you physically, spiritually, etc. is life transforming and changes your identity. (I added in the "change your identity" part.) 

Genesis 32:22-32 is the story about Jacob wrestling with God. The man he was wrestling with says in verse 26, "Let me go, for the day has broken." Jacob replies, "I will not let you go unless you bless me." Verse 27 says, "What is your name?" and he said, "Jacob." The man then goes on to say, "You have striven with God and with men, and have prevailed." and he changed Jacob's name to Israel. 

Jacob wrestled with God until he got an answer from him, a blessing, something he had wanted and fought for, and begged God for. He wasn't putting up without a fight to get what he needed from God! 

At the end of the sermon he called us to come up front if we wanted to receive the Holy Spirit or have God touch us. I watched as several people went up and became slain in the Spirit (something I have never had happen to me but something I'm not against). James walked with me as I made my way up front and two people began to lay hands on me and pray. As the prayed I could feel my legs get weaker! My legs started shaking and wavering a bit but I was NOT giving in. I selfishly did not want to be slain in the spirit up here in front of the church for everyone to see! 

Being slain in the spirit means the power of God hits you in a way that you physically fall over onto the floor and you can't really do anything about it! 

The pastor even said, "If you have to plant your feet into the ground, you're resisting!" I WAS RESISTING IT. I just kept holding my hands out and receiving prayer from these two women. James was by my side. If he was going to be my "catcher" then I might have allowed it to happen, but I had no clue who was touching my back and I did not trust them enough to essentially do a "trust fall" with them. 😬

THEN, an internal dialogue (wrestling match) began to happen in my mind: 

Me: "I am not falling back!"

"Why not? Do you not trust me?"

"I do but I don't want to fall back!" 

"It's like doing a trust fall, do you not trust me?"

It was like the little Sarah inside of me was gripping on and NOT LETTING GO. I wasn't ready to let go of something. I didn't know what, but then I remembered this book that is coming out very soon that I am so excited to read called "Trust" by Dr. Cloud. He's my favorite author of all time and in those moments, deep down, I asked God if I really did have a trust issue with him? 

I thought I trusted God. 

I believe I DO trust God. 

What was then holding me back? 

Why can't I release control to him?

Why can't I truly let go, feel alive and free fall into his arms?

What FEAR is holding me back? I thought I had no fear in the first place! 

These are all questions and things I am eager to explore. Maybe my word for 2023 is "Trust"? I'm usually the type of person to forget the words I make up each year and try to live by. 😑

I know this experience happened for a reason and I can't wait for God to continue to reveal things to me and give me some insight into trusting Him more. 😊